I Can’t Get Over My Old Relationship

Reader’s Question

I have been married four years, am in my late twenties, have two kids, faithful encouraging husband…that I love but am not in love with, which I don’t think I can ever bear to tell him. I have only had three relationships in my life, this being the third; the second meant absolutely nothing for me, but the first I can’t get over. He has a habit of finding virgins to build relationships with, and I was one of the victims… Really it was just bad timing moving back home in another state after school. To cut a long story short, I still email and would like to call, but can’t bring myself to go down that road again. I really don’t want him, he doesn’t want me. I think sometimes we just had similar goals, and my husband is not interested in the same things. We are so opposite but that’s how it goes, right? I want that feeling that I got when I first met the first one…I never get it again, yet I am married. My head says leave the past alone, but my heart says I’m living a lie. I can continue the lie…but I’m feeling selfish and needy.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

A previous question entitled “Old Memories intrude into a wonderful relationship” (available here) addresses the same issue. As we go through life we often accumulate memories and relationships. The first “love of our life” creates incredible emotional memories (see article on this website) because everything done (emotionally, socially, sexually, etc) was a first-time experience. The brain makes strong memories of that experience, even if it didn’t work out. In truth, that relationship was a one-of-a-kind experience. In our memories of those times, we are young again, stress free (not with two kids), and in love. We even tend to see that person through teenage eyes — infatuation, giddiness, etc. In reality, we don’t know them at all now. As a psychologist, every summer I work with folks who have this same problem following a high school reunion. After 20, 30, 40 years they reunite with their “old flame” from high school and fall instantly in love, lust, etc. Two old emotional memories falling in love can be a bad situation.

If we’re not careful, focusing on old fantasies and emotional memories can damage our real life relationships. Sadly, when this happens, marriages are destroyed and those fantasy relationships turn out to be just that — fantasies.

There’s another aspect here. You’re thinking a lot about “the road not taken”, decisions not made, and toying with emailing this character. The psychologist in me tells me you’re going though a stressful time. 70% of all extramarital affairs occur when people are under stress or are depressed. When depressed, we begin to question our feelings, review old memories, think about where we might have gone in our life, and become emotionally numb to those around us. We become needy but we’re not sure what we need. I’d recommend looking at your current stress level. You might want to read an article I’ve written entitled Understanding Depression (www.drjoecarver.com). Under stress, we long for the younger relationships that didn’t have so much responsibility and obligation. We also look for fantasy escapes — old relationships, romantic flings, sports cars, a new career, etc. This may be a dangerous time for you. If you have been experiencing a lot of emotional distress — crying spells, anxiety, sleep problems, fatigue, etc. — I’d consult with a mental health professional.