My Mom is Depressed. What Can I Do?

Reader’s Question

Hi, I’m 20 (about to turn 21 in a month) and I need help! My mom has been depressed for a long long long time. We got evicted from our house because she had no job, no money, no motivation; she was always at home complaining about the problem, but never did anything about it, and my A-hole dad has been plotting for years to take everything from us (he recently got ownership of our house in Tijuana), and he has never ever in his life paid child support for me or my sister (13). Well since then, we lived in my crowded grandma’s house for over 5 months, and after that we moved to a rental home for about 6 months. Now we live in an appartment, barely surviving.

Her bank account is steadily, but surely declining (money she got from our evicted house’s difference). She has lost all sense of what used to be “herself”. I’m afraid whenever she goes out to shop for groceries or to fill up on gas because of the way she reacts to everything around her. She looks for things to complain about or argue about. E.g., if some random person tucks their shirt in or twitches she will immidiately think that the specific movement or “gesture” was intended for her. She sometimes starts talking nonsense about random people I have never met or heard of (she probably hasn’t either). She brings the anger out on me and my sister and demands, almost pressuring me, to tell her why people do “gestures” or “signs” at her. She also has developed talking to herself, reminiscing about bad things that have happened to her in her life, and she re-enacts them as if the people or person was there. She starts yelling and cursing at them and it scares me. Sometimes I tell her to stop, but then she turns on me and brings up some random thing I have done in the past and yells at me for it.

She also has a lot on her mind. I can tell because she will begin to talk about, e.g., how the person at the grocery store did this with his hand, and move on to talk about my dad and start yelling, then she will talk about the laundry and how it needs to be done, then she will say something about the kids screaming outside, and then she will talk about how this person yelled when she was younger, relating to the kids screaming outside (and she does all these “topics/subjects” in 1 minute).

And the most annoying part of it, is how she imitates how people talk to her, whether it be someone saying “thank you” or “you’re welcome” and she will really cheaply imitate the person as if she were a snobby kid imitating a grown-up. And she will continue to do it for an hour or so, or until she has found something else to argue about or she remembers something bad that happened to her in the past and the cycle begins anew.

She’s not herself! This is not the mom I grew up with: I should know, I’ve known her for 20 years! She doesn’t think it’s her, she thinks everyone else is crazy and plotting against her. And she even thinks that I am “imitating” her and she says “I know what you’re doing, you think you can imitate me without me noticing?”.

She’s lost all sense of control. My sister constantly demands that my mom buy her things. I tell my mom that she is in control of everything, she has the credit-card, so she doesn’t have to worry about my sister spending money. Well later on she will come home furious and my sister with bags of new things; she will constantly say that my sister keeps buying things, when in reality, it is her that decides whether or not to buy anything.

I’m sorry I went on for so long, I really need a proffessional view of all this.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

From your very articulate description your mother is severely depressed. As you describe, when depressed our thinking speed increases and we move from one depressing/negative topic to another. We torment ourselves with the past and become hypersensitive in public, taking every comment, gesture, glance, or normal experience in a highly personal and offensive manner. We actually become offended when people are polite to us. Your mother is currently overwhelmed by her severe stress level.

Another thing that is obvious in your question is that you are now the “responsible adult”. Mother has faded into depression and your younger sister has moved into survival mode, something that is not uncommon in her age group. You may be the only one thinking clearly at this point.

It may be difficult to get your mother to recognize her depression. However, it won’t be hard to talk to her about her physical symptoms of depression such as sleep disturbance, chronic fatigue, anxiety, feeling bad all the time, etc. Suggest that she seek support from her family physician. Most family MDs quickly recognize depression and can provide not only antidepressant medications, but some heart-to-heart discussions about her difficulties. I’ve also written a handout on entitled Understanding Depression on my website at www.drjoecarver.com.

One last thing… During such times of severe stress and responsibility, it’s important to keep aware of your stress level. About a month ago a young adult like yourself wrote in with a question and said something like “I’d like to be able to tell a grownup…but then I realized that’s me.” You’ve got quite a load here. Seek advice and support of other adults — maybe competent aunts or uncles. This is a tough way to enter adulthood so take care of yourself.