Explosive Girlfriend. What Do I Do?

Reader’s Question

My girlfriend has an unrelenting need to know and will on occasion ask me questions on a particular subject that seem innocent enough on the surface, but have the potential to became raging full out screaming sessions. I find this very unsettling, as I fear the ramifications of a “wrong answer”.

It seems like if I share my opinion or view (which I’m always encouraged to do) and something triggers or arouses her curiousity, I get a question like, “What did you mean when you said that?” Unknowingly I fall into a trap, because she is lying in wait ready to trap me.

I say: “I meant ______________________”

GF: “But that’s not what you said, you said ___________________”

I say: “I didn’t mean for you to get that message, I meant ___________________”

GF (speaking loudly), “But that’s not what you said, you said ___________________________”

I say (more calmly), “I’m sorry if I’m saying this wrong, I want you to understand I meant this ____________________”

GF (now shouting and waving arms violently) “THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU SAID! YOU SAID THIS _________________________ !!!) and then she starts adding things I did or said, or brings up the past, trying to draw me deeper into an argument.

If I simply withdraw and ask her to calm down, she gets even angrier. I cannot do or say anything and often just end up staring at the ground when she continues on her tirade.

Most of the time things are normal and great (upwards of 90%). But in the past we have had severe arguments over these types of interpretation issues that are so intense. Her shouting and screaming and swearing is unstoppable when she becomes aroused, and she has brought me to tears on several occasions.

What can I do to help the situation?

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

First of all, she probably doesn’t have a need to know and probably doesn’t do odd interpretations of what you say. Sure, it looks like that on the surface, but the issue is something else.

This pattern of behavior is actually “looking for a fight”. It will happen when she:

1. has built-up emotional agitation,
2. is angry about something else,
3. is generally upset, and/or
4. can’t articulate an emotional situation with you.

“Looking for a fight” occurs when she needs a fight and for that reason, is totally unpredictable and unrelated to a situation. Once she picks the fight, you then receive the historical dump — all those things you have done wrong in the relationship. If you kept track on a calendar you’d see that each explosive episode is followed by a period of calm…gradually building up until the next one.

When we see this situation, she may be experiencing a lot of anxiety, pressure, or stress. For whatever reason, she may hold anger, resentment, or bitterness toward you. Maybe the relationship is not proceeding the way she would like or maybe she feels frustrated. Whatever is going on, she is not articulating her feelings with you. Imagine videotaping your week with her. If you have semi-calm, polite discussions about sensitive issues that are not resolved — committment, jealously, past events, etc. — you may find her picking a fight within 48 hours. She basically holds her distress and agitation to the point that she needs a tirade to release it. You are then “set up” with a question and the rest is history (literally).

Once the fight starts, there’s little you can do. It’s an emotional volcano that erupts. After the explosion however, try a debriefing, not about the past that was mentioned, but about the amount of distress and anger present. Ask if there might be another way to talk about things. Develop recognition signals when you feel a situation is getting out of hand as it’s important to intervene before the volcano erupts — not after. Train yourself to recognize signs of her distress — tension, irritability, etc.

All couples must develop strategies that improve their communication. Her style is actually damaging to the relationship as you mentioned. This may be a temper-tantrum style she saw in her upbringing and if so, must recognize that it damages romance rather than solving anything. You’ll notice that the topics aren’t issues that can be resolved.

Assure her, like you mentioned, that the relationship is great. You both probably have behaviors and quirks that should be addressed to make the relationship 100% great (the goal!). Start sharing those and work on fixing them.