Therapist Issues Trigger Bereavement Memories

Reader’s Question

I have suffered from chronic depression most of my life. I have been in therapy for almost 20 years, with the same, wonderful therapist.

My father died in 1996. My mother died four years ago. I am pretty much over my father’s death, but still dealing with my mom’s.

My therapist’s mother is dying. This is stirring up many emotions in me, and I find it hard to concentrate on work, and even to sleep well at night. How can I deal with these feelings, when it is impossible to work through them with my therapist, as she is not here?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When we attend a wedding, we think of our wedding or weddings we’ve attended. When people mention their high school years, our brain brings up our high school memories. This mechanism is called Emotional Memory (see article on this website). When your mother passed away four years ago, you also remembered the feelings associated with your father’s passing in 1996. As a result, you grieved your mother and actually regrieved your father at that time.

Your therapist’s situation has brought your Emotional Memory of the death of your parents to the surface. You now not only have empathy for her situation, but you remember your losses as well. These feelings are also combined with another significant loss — the loss of your therapist at a critical time when these emotional memories are tormenting you.

From a neurotransmitter standpoint, you have been returned to a state of bereavement and depression. Your mind is racing and obsessed, you can’t sleep and concentrate, and you are thinking excessively about your personal losses. This is not an uncommon situation. Your therapist’s experience is “close to home” for you. You may find you have additional symptoms of depression — exactly the way you felt four years ago…and back in 1996.

I would recommend seeing another therapist, perhaps one your current therapist can recommend. You can take several approaches with this intervention:

1. Assure both of them that the consultation is a type of transition intervention until your long-standing therapist returns to full practice or
2. Transfer to another therapist if you find that relationship positive.

Transferring to another therapist may be your best option at this time as your therapist will also be in bereavement — even when they return to practice. Discussions of the loss of your parents will trigger Emotional Memories in your therapist, creating a situation more similar to two long-standing friends both grieving the loss of their mother. While this may be mutually supportive, it may make it difficult for your therapist, personally and clinically.

You may also want to consider the use of an antidepressant medication if your physical symptoms persist (sleep problems, poor concentration, fatigue, etc.).