Anxiety Creates Social Talkativeness

Reader’s Question

Here’s my issue. I’ve heard of some of this before but not all and I’ve been wracking my brain for years trying to get a handle on this. In social situations, I am often very anxious. I feel the need to CONSTANTLY be funny and entertain and conversely I can never actually have fun myself. My fun is determined by whether or not I felt the people with me thought I was fun. The strange thing is even if I have people in stitches all night, I’ll go home and instantly feel depressed and I am not sure why.

Because of this I dread my phone ringing on a Friday night because I know someone might ask me to go out and I’ll have to face all of this. I want to look forward to my leisure time and want to want to be around other people if that makes sense.

Now if I am around a woman (I am a man) it’s 1000 times worse. If it’s a single attractive woman it’s 100000 times worse. If that woman shows interest in me I get so anxious I usually have to go home or get away from the situation immediately. I think I am afraid that if I do impress a woman and date her I will constantly need to impress all the time, so as time goes on instead of becoming more relaxed and comfortable it actually gets worse and worse. I always worry also about when to call, when not to call, is it ok to e-mail, should I lay off, etc.

Now lets say I am dating and the woman says “I think you are great”. Instead of making me feel good, this makes me sad and I don’t know why. If we are e-mailing back and forth for hours and finally she stops I get immediately sad and depressed like she got sick of me even though I was getting more anxious the more we talked as I ran out of stuff to say. Clearly in this situation I can’t win. I know all of this is not true and silly and yet I can’t convince myself that it’s not. The next issue with women is that once I start talking to one I instantly become obsessed with her, especially (but not limited to) if they show even a slight potential interest in me (even if I’m not even really interested in them!). I can’t stop thinking about them and it drives me nuts, which just makes me madder and madder at myself. Sometimes (not always) I even start having feelings toward them like jealousy of other friends or even their other interests even if they are barely even my friends. It sickens me because I know how absurd that is and I hate to think of myself as being this crazy. Because of all of this I’ve pushed all my female friends away even though I was very close to them, I haven’t dated in years (I’m only 32, not 15 like this all makes me sound), and as it gets worse and worse I dread even socializing with guy friends. I fear the weekends or any insinuation by a friend for potential socialization (if someone says “so what are you doing tonight?” I get instant depression or anxiety.) I am not looking for a cure right now, I am just wanting to know how to categorize all of this as a starting point. Is it all symptom of the same problem or is it more than one base issue? Sorry this is so long, but I really wanted to put everything out there for analysis. If you can offer me some guidance I would appreciate it greatly.

Thank you.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You appear to be struggling with social anxiety and a side order of low self-confidence and self-esteem. When in social situations, it’s not uncommon to have “anxious talkativeness” or nervous chatter. Many people suffer from “performance anxiety” and while we typically think of this in the area of work, public speaking, or even sexual performance — this “performance anxiety” can become pervasive as in your case. In all social situations, we fear we will not meet the expectations of those around us…and if we do, we fear that has set the bar even higher so next time we are sure to fail. Folks often develop this in a variety of ways…a traumatic social experience, hypercritical upbringing, obsessive-compulsive features, etc.

If we look at your emotional bottom line…it’s anxiety, fearfulness, and apprehension. When reviewing your issues about female friends, you are clearly thinking too much. This tells us that a type of neurochemical anxiety is present, not just the “thinking” worries.

Treatment often involves individual and group counseling, especially social skill building. We also can use a long-acting antianxiety medication to keep the anxiety from becoming disabling. I would recommend seeking professional help in this area. Obviously, you do have the social skills for successful relationships. The anxiety is getting in the way however.