Dealing With Miserable/Rude Friends

Reader’s Question

Hi there! I have a question about, well, myself. I recently wrote a letter to a different psychologist, asking why I kept attracting needy people into my life. I tend to meet people who have a wide variety of psychological problems, and who call me and keep me on the phone for hours moaning and groaning about every detail of life. At the same time, I LET them. I would acutally feel rude hanging up on them even after hinting about how busy I was with my 3 children who are all preschool aged, while they would and do continue to talk my ear off as if to say, ‘oh…so?’.

I found it was taking a lot out of my marriage as I spent more time listening to and supporting my friends than my own husband. I wasn’t treating him with this same type of support and care. I don’t know what changed in me, but a couple months ago I made some decision (I still don’t know quite what that was), and I suddenly don’t spend very much time talking to friends, and some family for that matter, and I’ve noticed my marriage is just taking such a turn for the better, and it’s like we’re falling in love all over again.

Since I’ve been acting differently, he has as well, both of us are far more considerate of each other and, well it is amazing how much I adore this man. He really is an amazing person, why couldn’t I treat him like he was for so long? The last few times I’ve talked to my friends, I’ve noticed my relationship with them has also changed. They ask about my marriage or go to say something nasty about men in general and I tend to defend my husband, talk about positive things, and now they get bored and I’m off the phone so much quicker (not that I’m missing it, haha!).

What is this? I know ‘misery loves company’ but I don’t know what’s going on with me. It’s like I’ve finally gotten myself out of a rut — I’m not complaining, but I’d sure love to know what happened with me and why? And also why some people just love to be unhappy and spread it around. They are good people, why purposely act and think so negatively?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

It’s difficult to be a “nice person” at times. You’ll notice that you had misery-full people who call you at all hours, monopolize your time, ignore your responsibilities and hints, and emphasize only their issues — yet you are concerned about being rude! These are rude people! There’s a big difference between a friend in need and a friend in constant need. Nice people typically try to help. Rude people quickly recognize your need to be helpful and take advantage of it. You don’t actually attract needy people. When you’re too nice for too long, you accidently accumulate a variety of rude friends.

There are many “secrets of life” and you’ve found one of them. Keeping negative and rude people at a safe emotional distance increases our chances for happiness. Their negative attitudes and comments can keep us miserable. We “feel” what they talk about — the misery, negativity, complaints, and moans & groans.

You’ve also discovered that these rude people are very selfish. They only want to talk about their life — not yours. “Misery loves company” is correct — and you’re no longer good company for those people who have a misery-oriented lifestyle. You’ve discovered that they don’t care that your marriage has improved. You are now keeping them at an emotional distance and your life and marriage have improved for that reason.

Many people develop this understanding by accident. Sometimes they realize that talking to a rude/miserable “friend” consistently ruins their day. Once they understand the connection, they make changes to fix it.

Keep thinking positively and keep your conversations with rude people very brief. A three-hour conversation with one of these folks will drain your emotional battery, leaving no energy for your marriage or family. You’re on the right path…keep going.