Confused Following Another Relationship

Reader’s Question

I have been married for 3.5 years and been with my husband for almost 7. At the beginning of May I met someone out of town on a conference who I am so strongly attracted to that I can’t stop thinking about. We slept together and I moved into his area purely on a coincidence due to work related issues and have slept with him quite a few times since. He tells me he is miserable in his relationship (married with two kids) and loves me. It is probably the best sex I have ever had. My husband and I have sex maybe once every 2-3 weeks and its very boring and mundane. I feel bad for doing this but I’m just not sexually attracted to my husband anymore and we fight all of the time. I also feel I can’t share my innermost feelings as my husband is very hard to talk to about interpersonal thoughts. I don’t know what I should do. I’m super confused… I just moved 200 miles from home, have a new job and I’m having these huge marital problems. The other guy is probably not the one but we have so much sexual chemistry it is incredible. Thinking about him is clouding my life and I’m having a hard time focusing at work and definitely on my marriage. I don’t know if I want to continue with my husband or what I should do… I don’t know what to do. I’m SOOO confused!

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

About 70 percent of extramarital affairs occur when we’re depressed or overwhelmed by stress. In these situations, the other person is an emotional diversion, a Knight/Princess who will rescue us, and other fantasies. The sexual activity is often great due to the excitement of the situation, built-up fantasy, etc. It’s like an exciting trip to Las Vegas for the weekend.

As you already suspect, about 95% of these romances end in nothing for that same reason. An exciting weekend in Vegas is only 1/182 of your real life. Nobody lives like that permanently. Many people who live in Vegas, for example, deal with daily traffic jams, psychotic cab drivers, drunk tourists, and low pay for tough jobs.

You describe rather severe stress levels in your “real” life — huge marital problems, a new job, moving 200 miles from home/family, and dealing with questions about your future. Despite what seems like a lot of excitement on the surface, you may actually be depressed/stressed. Review your past two years for example. If you’re depressed, you’ve lost interest in most activities, lost sexual interest, have chronic fatigue, can’t sleep, have anxiety problems, are preoccupied with guilt, and have considered running away from home. When depressed, our brain becomes obsessed with “the road not taken”. We review our life situation and try to fix all the wrongs. We begin behaving out of character. This type of very common depression creates the “midlife crisis” we hear about all the time. 70% of affairs occur, probably most sports cars are purchased at this time, and people quit their jobs in search of spiritual meaning. People also engage in risky business during these times.

This is a dangerous time for you. I’d:

1. Consider that you might be depressed/stressed,
2. Recognize the risks present in your situation and in your fantasy,
3. Seek treatment for depression or stress if present,
4. Recognize that being obsessed with exciting events is natural — we love to think about our adventures — but not necessarily a call for action.

Keep in mind that the “other person” is in a similar situation with a stressful marriage. You were his exciting adventure as well. While you’ve shared this Vegas-like romance, your relationship would be totally different if you were together in the real world. You need to be very cautious and logical. You might also want to read my article on Understanding Depression. It talks about the risky business and other issues present during this type of situation.