Is My Boyfriend Immature or Something Else?

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend of several years can be extremely sweet, caring and fun but seems to have a “Jekyll and Hyde” thing going on. I don’t know if it is just plain emotional immaturity and/or if it is partly a cultural difference (he is from Latin America), but from my perspective he seems to have very little control over his emotions.

Sometimes we will be having a nice time when suddenly it’s like I can see a dark cloud brewing in his mind. I can tell that he is thinking about something and making himself upset. I ask him what’s wrong and he will angrily reply “Nothing!. I feel like this is a bad habit he has — telling himself stories (like we all do, in one way or another, I suppose) — to interpret past or future events, but in his case, the stories are always cast in a very negative or suspicous light, and are almost never based on what I would call reality! He is also really jealous of any other men around me, which really bothers me since I have never, ever given him any reason to not trust me. And I am never suspicious of him, since I believe that a relationship without trust is basically worthless.

Another troubling issue is that I have seen him be very rough with our pets (though I believe he truly loves them) and has pushed me and occasionally takes out his anger in his driving (no matter who is in the car with him) by driving too fast and recklessly. He has also called me lazy and is often jealous of any normal attention I give to others, be they my friends, family or four-legged.

Well, after putting all this down on paper, I see what kind of advice I would give myself regarding this relationship. But my question to you is: do you think that my boyfriend could have some kind of bipolar disorder, or brain damage (he told me that he has had a head injury sustained in an accident in his youth), or is just really angry from issues related to abandonment by his father and a childhood of poverty — or is he just plain immature? Thanks!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This sounds like social and emotional immaturity. It’s unlikely to be Bipolar Disorder or brain trauma. Immature folks are often socially hypersensitive — jealous, insecure, easily offended, easily threatened, etc. — because they don’t have a firm grip on their sense of self-worth and self-confidence.

With his childhood background, he may also be experiencing memories of abandonment, mistreatment, neglect, low self-esteem, etc. If these “Emotional Memories” are triggered by a comment, behavior, side glance, or situation — he begins to feel insecure and upset again. You observe the change in him when this happens. One rule of thumb — we feel how we think. If he begins to think negative thoughts, he will feel negative emotions. What follows is insecurity, nasty comments, and a loss of emotional control. I’d recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory to help understand this situation.

As you probably recognize, there are some risk factors in this relationship, especially if he can’t gain control of these reactions. He may not grow out of these behaviors.