Difficulties in a Long-Distance Relationship

Reader’s Question

I have been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. My boyfriend has just come to me telling me that he no longer cares about anything as much as he used to, and that he feels dead inside. He has, of course, also lost some of the feelings for me. He blames it on us being apart for so long; he had to detach himself from the relationship in order to function and now does not think he can get the feelings back. He is trying to figure out what he thinks is the best thing for us, which I think means he is wondering if I deserve to be with someone who does not care as much about me as I do them. If he lets me go, it is because he thinks I deserve better. But I have to wait for an answer for another 3 and a half weeks, when I see him again. I have already told him that if he wants to stay together I am moving up to be with him immediately; he just doesn’t know if it is the best thing for us to stay together. He knows he doesn’t want to leave me, but it still might happen because he is depressed and thinks he won’t be able to feel for me again. What can I do to make him realize that he will be able to feel those feelings again, so that he will give us a chance before giving up on us because he thinks it’s the best thing for me?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Long distance relationships are often difficult as two people continue their separate lives at a distance. Their independent lives often change normally, at times moving them away socially and emotionally from their long-distance partner. From your description, your boyfriend is fading away in this relationship. You are receiving mixed messages such as he doesn’t want to leave but he’s probably going to leave anyway for whatever reason. At this point, he may have already decided to fade away and will be unlikely to support your willingness to immediately move up to be with him.

While he’s emphasizing that the end of the relationship is the best thing for you…he’s also feeling it’s the best thing for him as well. It’s like a parent telling a child “this is going to hurt me more than you” just before a spanking. You’re trying to figure out these mixed messages. I’d recommend focusing on the bottom line such as:

1. Is he willing to invest in a period of time to fix the relationship?
2. Is he willing to say “It’s possible” or “It’s over” without all the discussions about what happened and why?
3. If he’s interested in opening the relationship again, how can that be done?

Keep in mind that his feelings didn’t suddenly appear one morning. He’s been thinking about this for some time and only now brought it to your attention. If it’s not going to work out, I’d recommend recognizing that fact and beginning the process of detachment and the emotional distress that naturally comes with the loss of a relationship. Keeping the relationship in some grey area where no decisions are being made is very upsetting and makes the end of the relationship even more difficult.