How Can I Get My Life Back to Normal?

Reader’s Question

I’m a 23yr old female. For the past 3 months I have developed a problem with myself that it’s difficult for me to get over. I’ve enjoyed a very good life and never had problems with meeting people, especially guys. After college I got my first full time job and developed a very social clubbing every weekend type of a lifestyle. I don’t come from a perfect family, I believe every family has their own issues but with time I’ve learned how not to let others get to me or upset me.

I’ve had 2 long term relationships; the first one was a 4 yr high school relationship which ended because I cheated on the guy with an older man from work who I thought would end up dating me but it didn’t work out that way. After this incident I went through a period of disappointment, anger at myself for not knowing better. Everything and everyone would upset me. I mainly talked to one of my friends and separated myself from others.

But that phase passed eventually, and I got a new job and a new relationship. I’ve also opened up to people and everything was back to normal. It was a two year relationship with an older by 8 yrs guy from my work which lasted 2 yrs. It ended because I felt he wasn’t able to make any final decisions about his life and us. I cried, but I haven’t gone through an emotional dilemma as I did with a previous one. I got over it quickly and began to look forward to my new life as a college graduate. This happened last year and everything was great, I’ve partied every weekend, met tons of guys and just played the game of single, fun female.

Until last Oct., when I met a guy at a club who was younger by 2 yrs but after talking to him it seemed like he had his ideas all together. I’ve met his friends and we hang out often on the weekends. He worked and lived kind of far so he never had time during the week to meet up but we spend a very long time on the phone. We became sexually active too quickly after only a month.

And that’s when I lost the game. Just to make this short this only lasted 6 months and not even full once. He had a nasty habit of not calling me after we were intimate for 2 or 3 days. I’ve talked to him about it and how it made me feel. He apologized, but nothing ever changed. On the weekends he would go out with his guys and not even bother with me. And I put up with something like that for 6 months.

At the same time I lost my job but within 2 weeks I was able to find a new one that turned out to be better in terms of pay. It had an extended training phase. After my two weeks of training which was around Easter Holiday something happened to me which I don’t really understand. After seeing my so-called boyfriend and not receiving any calls from him that weekend I began to think. I remember lying in my bed, not being able to fall asleep and just thinking having one thought repeating itself over and over in my head and not being able to decided what I should do. Finally I remember looking at my watch: it was 12 am. And I just thought to myself I’ve gone crazy!!! I felt that nothing was making sense anymore, it wasn’t worth it.

After that night nothing felt the same anymore. I went to see my grandma, and just out of nowhere began to question her about something and then just started crying. The next day I went to my second session of training and remember feeling so out of it and thinking that these people are looking and laughing at me, thinking that I’m crazy and stupid. I couldn’t concentrate on anything that was going on except trying to think if other people are talking about me and whether they’re saying that I’m crazy or if there is something wrong with me. Everything just became too much. The drive to the training class, and the test taking to pass the session become overwhelming so I ended up quiting.

After that I was home for over 3 months, constantly being home with my mom and little brother. I stopped clubbing and hanging out with my friends. I automatically began to think that I just lost it. I remember one day my parents talking about some plants that died and that they will need to buy new ones; I heard them but I thought in my head they’re just saying plants but they really mean it’s me. I feel that I lost myself, my past fun, my personality and my individual way of thinking. I’m afraind to talk to people becouse I think they will laught at me or think that I’m not normal. This is really scary and I can’t even believe I’m writing it but I put these ideas in my head and I don’t know how to get them out. I got a new job and I started to go out and party on the weekends which was something that I really loved to do before — just being able to dress up, and meet guys and just have fun. But it’s not like that anymore; I really don’t find anything I could talk to them about. I have a hard time opening up in my training class and talking to people. I became very soft spoken from what I heard and before I had my own ideas, wasn’t afraid to express them.

I talked to some of my good friends and they say they don’t see any difference in me, that I didn’t change, that I sound the same. My mom says that she doesn’t see anything changed with me. I told her what I feel and she told me that it’s only in my head. I put those thoughts about myself in my head and I need to get them out. But I feel like there is a problem and I don’t know how to stop it. I feel that I lost myself.

Last year I planned a birthday party and everyone that was supposed to come came; we got a free entrance, free drinks. This year I was supposed to have a birthday party but it didn’t work out: everyone had something else to do so I ended up staying home. I couldn’t stop crying and just constantly asking myself what happend to me? What is going on with me? Did I lose my mind or did I really go crazy?

What do you think? How can I help myself? How can I get back to normal and bring my life back to normal?

Please write back.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your life has been pretty fast-paced over the past year. You mention relationships, training programs, job losses, career issues, and a dysfunctional relationship with your last partner. Clinically, it’s possible that this fast pace has caught up with you. You are describing a stress-produced depressive disorder. A high level of prolonged stress produces this problem and the symptoms include social withdrawal, crying spells, loss of humor, taking everything around you personnally, hypersensitivity around others, and even obsessive thoughts. Thoughts of death/dying are common and your mind will be reviewing your “worst hits” in terms of experiences. As you are in the early stages, over the past three months, your friends may not have had enough contact with you to notice a change. However, it’s clear that your eyeballs have turned inward/inside and you are now obsessed with your “inner experience” of suspicions, negative thoughts, etc. This is very common in young adults as they try to attend school, work, train, and have fun at the same time.

I’d recommend reading my article on depression (www.drjoecarver.com) as well as those on this website. You should also talk to your family physician or OB/GYN about the possibility of an antidepressant medication. Counseling would also be helpful. Remember that your feelings are very common and this happens to about one in four people during their lives. This is creepy but very treatable. Don’t give up, instead focus on studying this condition and getting better. It’s not likely to be fixed on its own at this point.

You might also want to reexamine your relationship with the new boyfriend. He may not be mature enough for an adult-level romantic relationship at this time.