Stealing Behavior in Children

Reader’s Question

Hello! I have a 10 yr old niece who has a stealing problem that finally became apparent to the family after she was caught red handed with over 1000 dollars worth of jewellery, Gameboys and games, iPods, precious stones, etc… She has denied taking anything until it is found on her person — then tearfully admits it, but claims there’s nothing else…until something else is found. She is completely untrustworthy, and I feel badly for her, but she is no longer welcome at many family members’ houses because of it. I know she started much smaller than this, with taking candy or spare change and hiding it away.

I am fearful for my son doing the same ’small’ things. He takes odds and ends from around the house and hides them in his room. My husband and I never turn a blind eye to this behaviour, and in the end he will lose a privilege or a possession of his own for taking the objects. I feel we have been dealing with things well. He doesn’t seem to be taking things from other places anymore, but he still swipes things from around the house quite often. It has been happening for the last year and a half, and missing things are going up in value. He alse considers nice things to be ‘his’ the moment he sees them, which also concerns me. I don’t want to blow it out of proportion, but I also don’t want to see him following in his cousin’s footsteps. Is there any special way of dealing with this? He is only 5, and it’s hard to know what to do that would make sense to him.

Back to my niece. I don’t know how to talk to her, and her parents continually blame her older sibling for her behaviour, and have even blamed him for ‘planting’ the items on her — which is ridiculous, as he has been out of town for the entire summer. That is, away from her, and she seems to be rotating this stolen property (to reduce the chance of being caught?). I see them continually turning a blind eye to her spiralling behaviour and to be perfectly honest I’m having a hard time thinking positive things about this child, or my own sister and brother-in-law. I also don’t want to associate feelings I have towards her to my own son, but I am definitely worried if I don’t deal with this properly I could be dealing with those same issues myself!

Help!

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Stealing behavior, while inappropriate, is very common in young children. It reflects their impulsivity, lack of understanding of privacy and personal possessions, and general sense that everything in the house is community property. As a parent, we can:

1. Discuss the morality of stealing with each incident,
2. Teach privacy and personal possession,
3. Praise honesty in the child,
4. Teach alternative ways to obtain items,
5. Label the behavior correctly as stealing, not borrowing or another minimized label,
6. Use restitution and other corrective methods.

In your niece, there is a problem family situation here that you have recognized. Ten-year-old children understand stealing but may be using the behavior to draw attention to their home situation, for revenge, or as a symptom of an underlying emotional or social difficulty. In situations with older children, stealing behavior is usually family-specific and not something you need to worry about with your child. While your son will likely outgrow the behavior, as the majority of children do, the niece has been unable to ourgrow this normal child behavior to the point that it’s now present outside her home. We should encourage her parents to seek professional help for the child as this behavior can create significant social and eventually legal problems for the family.

As children grow, they move through a variety of behaviors as part of their emotional and social development. Becoming “stuck” in a behavioral stage often brings these children to professional attention.