Anxious About Girlfriend’s Past Experience

Reader’s Question

I live in New York, and I have a girlfriend in Florida. We’ve known each other for almost two years and have been together for about 3 months. We’re going to see each other over Labor Day weekend. We love each other very much, and we both agree that we’re both “in tune” more with each other than anyone else we’ve ever met. We’re in constant communication, but I still have a massive anxiety problem.

The source of my problem probably started before we were actually together. She was involved with a guy for about two weeks (one of those sweet talking types), who she slept with, and who broke her heart a day after they slept together, when he cut off all contact with her. The whole thing took a toll on me as well… I was wreck when I learned it happened, and whenever I think about it today it still bugs me.

My problem now, is that whenever I don’t get to talk to her for a long period of time, I get really nervous and depressed, and I get bad images of her with other guys. It’s not that I don’t trust her, I’m just afraid of having a repeat of the incident I mentioned above. I’m also afraid to bring it up with her…because I don’t want to drive her away with my paranoia. And if I don’t get it under control, I’m afraid I’m going to drive myself insane.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

We normally think of an individual who experiences a bad event as the one most likely to be traumatized. It often happens that those involved with the individual are traumatized as well. In this case, the situation with your girlfriend has shaken your sense of security in the relationship. Like an individual who has been robbed, you are now overly cautious about any situation that might be similar. You are on-guard and suspicious. With each phone contact not made, your memory brings up her brief relationship and the feelings you had when you first hear about it. It’s called “Emotional Memory” — you relive the reaction with each memory of the situation.

Your girlfriend may have already settled the situation in her mind. Bringing it up repeatedly to her will create major problems in the relationship. From her standpoint, she was honest enough to discuss it with you and she may feel that settles it. You are now taking the situation and creating negative fantasies about it, including bad images. In relationships, this is not unusual and episodes like this often prompt insecure thoughts and fantasies. Sadly, instead of the usual feelings of warmth and affection, each contact or lack of contact now brings up these negative fantasies first as they have stronger emotions.

Emotional Memory can be managed in relationships. I’d recommend reading my article on the topic on this website. There are a variety of ways to decrease the intensity of these memories and reactions, thus returning your relationship to a comfortable place. Keep in mind that as you mention, this situation happened before you were actually together. Couples need to focus on their future, not their separate pasts.