Girlfriend Involved in an Abusive Relationship

Reader’s Question

I have a friend I’ve known on and off for the past 12 years; she is now 31. She is absolutely beautiful, tall, thin, and looks about 23. Not only is she beautiful, she’s honest and hardworking. She owns her own house, gained alone, works 2-3 jobs and is raising a 4 yr old daughter. I don’t know how to help her, though: since I’ve known her, she has had one abusive relationship after another. Not physically abusive, but emotionally and self-worth damaging. She attracts and is attracted to men who treat her horribly. They all have cheated and verbally control her and demean her. Yet this current situation is by far the worse, and more than my mind can fathom. They began with intimacy, hot and heavy, about 1 yr ago, only for a couple days. The man immediately then began to tell her she was not good enough nor worthy of him. He was so much better! This has progressed into her waiting by the phone in hopes of his weekly visit where he will grace her with his presence to sit on her sofa and be waited upon, and fed while watching a movie.

She dare not try to touch him, or make any attempts physically or verbally to entice him/seduce him or even comment on her feelings for him or he’s out the door and going to the another girl he has wrapped. He has told her he will never want her, she is damaged goods. He has told her that she and this other girl are like flies swarming him that he can’t seem to swat away. He is a 29 yr old man, ex model still living with parents, yet has obvious abusive issues with his mother. He thinks all women are dirty whores, and despises them. The man even caught a sexually transmitted disease from the other girl, and instead of my friend running the other way, she is desperately clinging to any shred of scrap this man will throw in her direction. Including not caring that she herself could catch this highly contagious disease if he would have lowered himself to sleep with her, and not even thinking of her 4 yr old daughter.

She told him she loved him. His response: “I’m going to tell you like I did the other one, you’re pathetic and need to move on, I will never be with you, you’re a whore”. (He plans on marrying a 20 yr old virgin and training her well per his statement.) Yet when she has tried to move on and date another, he becomes angry and tells her she’s scum, slut, nasty and disgraced. Even after this man’s comment to her after she told him she loved him, my friend’s only concern was “this other girl is saying the same thing” and is lost in computation aspects of this sick relationship. Still looking forward and unchanged to his lordship’s mercy to allow her to take him to dinner tonight, in hopes he will ultimately see she is his dream! Even though when she told him she had a desirable thought of him working out, he told her “Gross!”

Is there any help for this girl? There are very nice, professional, and sincere men who would love to take her out and get to know her, yet she’s blown them off for this man! Is there anything I can do to open her eyes, not just for our friendship’s sake, but for her overall well being and the innocent life of her daughter? Please help.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

We are often attracted to people at our level of self-esteem — not our level of success, attractiveness, or competency. Your friend has entered a relationship with a Narcissistic Personality. With her history of abusive relationships, this con-artist quickly identified her guilt and feelings associated with these relationships and now uses her fears to control her. His frequent reference to “damaged goods” is his way of maintaining her already-low self-esteem.

We all have a sense of self-worth in a variety of areas such as vocational, intellectual, social, sexual/romantic, etc. We often assume that these levels of self-worth are even across the board when in reality, very successful folks can have very low social self-worth or feel incompetent in romance. Despite her clear successes and competencies in life, she probably has deep insecurities about her sexual and romantic competency — something a con-artist and abuser will quickly identify. Once they identify those characteristics, they then maximize the abuse in that area — producing the situation with your girlfriend.

I’ve written an article entitled Identifying Losers on this website. We also have an extensive blog on the subject of Losers and Abusers. I would also recommend that she read the article on Love and Stockholm Syndrome. She has clearly placed all her self-esteem in one abusive basket and is fearful she may lose that relationship.

Clinically, your girlfriend is probably also very depressed. I would recommend counseling/therapy to deal with such low self-esteem and her depression. Mr. Personality will soon leave as your girlfriend will become too overwhelmed to continue, at which point she is no longer “usable” from an abuser’s standpoint. He’ll move on to another victim, leaving those who care about her to pick up the pieces. Be prepared for that situation and do your homework about abusive and controlling relationships.