Should I Forgive My Partner…or Myself?

Reader’s Question

My boyfriend and I are very serious. We had been interested in each other for quite a while but the timing was never right. Then, we dated for about half a year, then made it official. A few months into the relationship I found out that during our ‘dating’ stage he slept with a friend of his — it was a one night stand, they were both very drunk, and had sex. I realize we were not ‘official’ but we had between the two of us declared that we were exclusive.

He felt guilty so he never told me — he says he didn’t want to lose me. But, I stumbled upon the information one night on his computer — searching for something else, I found this chatlog. I confronted him and he did not deny it, we discussed it and he has been doing his best to comfort me, ever since.

He has been apologetic…done everything he can to make things better. You see, during college he had a reputation as a ‘player’ and no one ever thought he’d settle down. Now, years later he seems like the most dedicated, loving boyfriend and he is perfect for me.

We have become progressively more serious over time and have been discussing getting married. It has always been in the back of both our minds — again, we were just waiting for the right time.

He is perfect for me, but I cannot let go of what happened. I always think of how great we are and how much I love him, but there is still that ever-pressing ‘yeah, but what about that time…’ in my mind. It makes me paranoid. I want to snoop through his stuff, I want to catch him in another lie. But that is making me crazy.

I just find it hard to believe that such an amazing man would want to be with me. I don’t understand why what happened in the past did, and I cannot let it go.

I don’t know what to do, but I am sick of bringing it up. I know it frustrates him, it bothers me and there is nothing left to say…

So, now what do I do? I feel paranoid and as if I am obsessing over this one instance. A friend suggested Emotional Memory Management to me yesterday and I am reading more about it. I do not like the prospect of counselling/therapy, as I have had negative experiences with it in the past.

It also makes me feel very unsure of our sexual relationship. When we first began dating we made the deal that we would wait until we are married to engage in intercourse. We have a (relatively) healthy sexual relationship otherwise. I am satisfied, and he claims he is as well. Although, I am unsure of whether to believe this because it is incredibly unequal. He is very much a ‘giver’, always wanting to please me, but I am more reserved. I have experienced sexual trauma in the past. Neither of us are virgins (obviously), but I think our lack of sex also makes me wary about this past situation.

I blame myself. I feel that I am not pleasing him, so it can be justified for him to have gone elsewhere. He said at that stage of his life (about half a year after college) he felt that he still ‘needed’ sex…and made a mistake by sleeping with her — she was lonely, jealous, bla bla bla.

I hope you can provide some sort of assisstance because I really am at my wits’ end. I don’t know what to do anymore. Let me stress the fact that I love this man with all of me, and I
trust him…but there is always that ‘but’…

Please help.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Psychologists have theories about just about everything. I’ve got one that may make sense in your situation. There’s a problem with remembering a past experience, being unable to forgive or forget about it, and letting it impair your relationship. However, it’s not about him, it’s about you!

The theory part: As a result of your previous sexual trauma, you have very low sexual and romantic self-esteem — to quote “I just find it hard to believe that such an amazing man would want to be with me”. Obviously, he feels you are amazing — but you don’t see it and for that reason, feel it can’t be real.

Folks who have been victims of sexual assault/trauma often encounter this situation when they move toward sexual intimacy years later. Sexual trauma in our past creates strong Emotional Memories that begin to surface, bringing with them the feelings made at the time of the assault/trauma such as fear, insecurity, guilt, shame, blame, etc. When this happens, emotional and sexual intimacy begins to shut down — when it should be going in the opposite direction. A weird situation is thus created: the more you love him, the more sexually reserved and insecure you become. Keep in mind, your partner has no idea what’s going on — and you may not realize what’s happening as well.

Your history is now influencing your current relationship. You are full of self-doubt, blame, and fears that something equally bad will happen. Instead of being joyous, excited and loving you are now using the “I love him…but” to question every wonderful thought and feeling you have. Every time you have a wonderful feeling — you slap yourself with doubt! It’s possible that you, despite your trauma background, have found your prince, have come out on top, and have won the romantic lottery. Don’t second guess this, go with your feelings…not your thoughts linked to yesterday.

In reality, both you and your boyfriend have an inappropriate sexual experience in your past. At this time however, you are creating a new relationship. All past behaviors should be forgiven and each partner should forgive himself/herself as well. In truth, you have both survived all kinds of past experiences and are now thinking of a life together.

I’d read my article on Emotional Memory. It talks about how trauma memories intrude into our daily lives. I’d also consider a return to counseling if you can’t solve this on your own. This is a tough passage for both of you — a crisis in romantic confidence. He has confidence in you and you need to give that back.

In basketball, you miss one hundred percent of the shots you don’t take. My sense is you need to take this shot at love. True, it may not work out, but then again, it might. Your odds are better if you give 100%, without doubt or suspicion, and follow your future instead of your past. I’ll get off my soapbox now.