Feeling the Loss of a Best Friend

Reader’s Question

My best friend and the only person that knew me for me died on May 10. She was more than a friend: she was also the only person who saw in me something I didn’t see in myself. She died when she ran away with this guy and there was a fire. But I still blame myself. I know there was nothing I could do, but I still can’t get away from hating myself for not being there. So how can I stop this? Please try and offer me some relief. I’ve hated myself since the accident, and I’m at my wits’ end and don’t know what to do.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

You have experienced a significant loss in your life. With each loss comes a period of bereavement. You are now having problems with the common components of the bereavement process. Almost all bereavement includes:

• Depression in some form. A sense of sadness and loss. Crying spells, sleep problems, and excessive thinking about the loved one. Keep in mind that the depth of our bereavement isn’t related to who the person was to us (uncle, friend, sister, etc.) but rather what they meant to us. Your best friend was more than a best friend in this case.
• All bereavement contains regret in some form. The brain plays the mental video of your relationship with the person and torments us with all the “what if” and “I should have” fantasies. Guilt and regret can be very uncomfortable but it’s part of the process.
• As the brain processes our relationship and our memories of this person, it compares the past with what we now know happened. It’s pretty unfair if we think about it. Your brain will suggest that you should have stopped her from going, should have told her certain things, should have been there with her, etc. In reality, if you had been told she was scheduled to be killed in a fire on a certain date — you would have tried your best to prevent it, including locking her in a basement on that day. Science-fiction authors write about that fantasy all the time. Sadly, you had no way of knowing what was going to happen…and she didn’t either.
• With the loss of such a close friend, we often do things in their honor, as a way of remembering them. You may wear certain clothing in their honor, eat certain foods (their favorite), or listen to certain songs. Every time I eat Shrimp Scampi I remind anyone around me that it was my father’s favorite seafood. These little honors keep them in our memory in a positive way. They allow us to remember who they were and how they lived, not how they died. I’ve written several techniques for dealing with such memories in an article entitled Emotional Memory.

If your depression continues or becomes incapacitating, you should consult a psychiatrist or family physician. While miserable, this is a normal reaction to a significant loss. While it may sound a bit weird, being this miserable is a good sign that all your emotional equipment is working properly and you have the capacity to love and miss someone deeply. It’s more of a psychiatric problem if you can’t do that.

Rate this post?

(No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...