Sister Being Overwhelmed by Verbal Abuser

Reader’s Question

My sister was recently hospitalized for twice attempting suicide. Her husband did not get help for her either time and did not inform anyone. I have personal knowledge of his verbal abuse, and personal experience as I have been his target on occasion. He has convinced several family members that he is the victim, including my sister. Before she was hospitalized, she told me often (almost every day, in tears) that he was killing her emotionally; now she says it’s all her fault. What should I do?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your sister maybe involved in an abusive relationship. Abusers and controllers have certain techniques and behaviors, twenty of which I’ve listed in my article on Identifying Losers. It’s available on this website. If possible, encourage your sister to read the article. I think she’ll see someone she knows.

Additionally, your sister may be developing a form of Stockholm Syndrome (article on this website) where the abused and intimidated victim believes the abuse they suffer is their fault. While it sounds strange from the outside view, it’s actually a form of survival strategy. Reading both articles will explain a lot about her current situation.

Abusers and controllers eventually emotionally exhaust and “burn out” their partners. This is happening to your sister. She is now emotionally exhausted and severely depressed, prompting the two suicide incidents. I’d encourage her to seek help for her depression and focus on the symptoms of depression — not the presence of abuse. Abusive spouses don’t want their “private” behavior made public — in any manner. For this reason, if your sister publicly connects her depression with the marital situation, the husband will quickly sabotage her efforts to get well. She should focus on the physical signs of depression — poor sleep, chronic fatigue, poor concentration, etc. These are less threatening to the abusive partner. Keep in mind that he is more interested in maintaining his public image than your sister’s mental health.

If she decides to leave the abusive situation, she will need more than a sister — she’ll need an exit plan. I discuss this in the articles. While considering those issues, maintain contact with your sister on a regular basis. Use the strategies I offer in the Stockholm Syndrome article about maintaining contact with a victim or “relationship hostage”.

Keep in mind that the husband is involved in a public relations campaign at this time — blaming your sister and depicting himself as a poor husband who is doing all he can. Don’t confront that PR campaign but rather quietly work in the background to help your sister, especially if she wants to leave.