Revealed Abuse, Parents Now Hostile

Reader’s Question

Hi, I’m Diane, and I’ll be seventeen in October. When I was ten, my father sexually assaulted me. I told my mother about this years later, and she ignored it. In June of 2006, I accidentally reported it to my therapist.

DYFS got involved, and my father was removed from the house. My mother does not believe this actually happened to me, so she has a huge loathing and no trust for her own daughter. I’ve been surviving the emotional abuse for over a year now, hoping maybe it would be over soon. But no, she’s let my father back in the house. He is evil. I know it sounds dramatic, but he loves to cause problems and he hates me with all that’s in him, so he’s determined to make my life even worse. I’m scared to death. My mother is on my father’s side, and there is no one to help me. I’ve never felt so miserable and helpless before. I keep trying to think, but I can’t find any solution besides taking my life. I’m scared to call child protective services because my mother becomes furious when I do and tries to get me put into a foster home. This terrifies me. I just want her on my side, I want to feel safe — but I realize I never can in this situation. I am so lost. Please let me know as many options as you can think of. Thank you.

Our Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While it’s sad, your situation is not that uncommon. Your mother has chosen her personal, financial, and emotional survival before yours. If your Dad is abusive, your mother may have a type of Stockholm Syndrome (article on this website). You now find yourself in a hostile home environment with no support. Here are some possible options:

• Continue to live as you do now, with the understanding that you will have very little support from your parents. Many teens live in a hostile home for a variety of reasons, living there like a person who rents a room. Seek support from your relatives and the community (counselors, friends, etc.).
• Try to keep your behavior under control. If you have a pattern of misbehavior, this will be used as evidence that you have the problem — not Dad. You have revealed a family secret, so people in the community will be watching the behavior of your family. Make sure your behavior is as good as possible.
• Consider the possibility of living with relatives. Do you have grandparents, uncles/aunts, etc. who might take you in? Keep in mind that your presence in the home is stressful for both Mom and Dad and if offered a deal, such as leaving to live with your grandparents, they might take the offer to lower their stress.
• You may need to accept the fact that your teen years are not going to be “normal”. With all that’s happened, you’ll need to focus on getting through these years until you can find a life of your own, as an adult.
• Get help for your depression, previous trauma, and stress. Keep talking to counselors or therapists. Ask them to help you develop survival strategies for living in a hostile environment — ways you can keep yourself healthy in an unhealthy situation.
• Don’t give up! You must become your own adult and parent in this situation. I’ve worked with many young people who have hostile, abusive, alcohol/drug addicted, or incompetent parents. They must grow up quickly to survive. Once they are out of the home, however, the adult world is very different. When you apply for a job or college, no one will ever ask about your teenage homelife. They will ask you who you are as an adult. This is why it’s important to focus on your future life as well as survive the current situation.