Male Bonding Rituals

Reader’s Question

I have an issue with my current boyfriend. After the first few months of dating him, I found that he seems to have an affectionate relationship with his male friends. He kisses them on the lips and grabs butts, among other things. He assured me that this was just something that all his friends did (which is true) and that it was not a big deal. A little later I found a few pictures of him with another guy with what appeared to be his hands down this other guy’s pants and then some pictures of the two of them sitting there aroused. I asked him about these pictures and he stated that he doesn’t even remember what happened and that he did not have his hands down this guy’s pants. He assured me that he is not gay and that he has no interest in men romantically. I have brought up the topic a few times because it bothers me that I don’t know for sure if he has an attraction to men and he just gets upset at me for questioning his orientation. I even went so far as to ask his best friend if he may be gay, and his friend also assured me there was no way he was gay and that he only does it for attention and shock value. His friend also mentioned that these kinds of activities are normal in the college sports setting. I completely trust him when it comes to women, but I can’t get over the images I saw. What do you suggest I do to deal with these concerns? I feel like I either have to trust him or break up with him. I don’t want to break up with him, but I am really bothered by these photos. Also, do you think that me finding out what actually happened would help me deal with this better or just cause more harm?

P.S. He does no other things that would lead me to believe he is gay.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Guys in high school and college often engage in male bonding rituals — adding alcohol and immaturity — thus producing some behaviors that can be pretty bizarre. In some settings, where privacy is assured (locker rooms, frat houses, etc.), those rituals become sexual. As he and his friends suggest, they range from butt grabbing and “wedgies” to the more dangerous such as igniting bowel gas. Kissing on the lips is pretty rare in my experience but strange pictures are fairly common. As they say, many times it’s for the shock and even “disgust” value. College students are rather famous for these pictures and even the most conservative male and female teachers in your community may have a picture taken with six fellow college students “mooning” the city of Cincinnati in the college picture album.

If you have no additional evidence to create a concern, there’s probably nothing to worry about — except that your boyfriend may have a strong immaturity streak. However, his continued “male bonding” behavior, especially in your presence, is disrespectful. I’d try to explain to him that while such behavior may be common in his college-buddy group, it is embarrassing to you and disrespectful. If he’s on a fishing trip with his male friends and they want to ignite bowel gas and give awards for the best wedgie — that’s his business. In your presence and in the relationship, you require that he act in a socially appropriate manner that does not cause bystanders to question his orientation, sanity, or your toleration of such behavior. In short, you may have to ask him to grow up. If he’s unable to do that, then he is choosing male-bonding hijinks over your relationship and may be too immature for a healthy relationship at this time.

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