Depressed Husband Upset with Sister-in-Law

Reader’s Question

I wrote before about my husband; he has depression, and he is not talking to my sister. But now it’s completely blown out of proportion. He says that she lied to him. It’s over her seeing a man and wanting to spend time with her friends her age. But he thinks that she was using him for money and lied to him just to get what she wanted. He is literally going mad over her seeing this guy and thinks that he has to get revenge on her for treating him like this. When I ask what he is prepared to lose to get this revenge he says things like don’t worry about it, you will leave too sometime. He is on tablets for depression and is seeing a counsellor. I am trying to talk to him, but, as you can imagine it isn’t easy listening to your husband getting so mad over another woman sleeping with another man. It rings bells in my head that he might be in love with her but because of the relationship he cannot admit this. Do you think that this sounds more like depression or a broken heart? He is so angry he does not care.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

People often develop “emotional affairs” with people they know, including co-workers, relatives, neighbors, fellow club members, etc. They become good friends, share personal information, feel close to that person, confide in them, etc. A small percentage of these develop into sexual or romantic relationships although most do not. Your husband may have always felt close to your sister, found her attractive, etc.

The problem now is his depression. When depressed, the brain torments us, often with obsessive negative thoughts. The brain also looks for those obsessive thoughts that would be especially upsetting to only us. Knowing our weaknesses, the brain turns against us and creates distressing preoccupations about issues that only we could be upset about. My brain would never torture me about dust mites but if I had OCD it would. If your husband did have a fondness for your sister, her behavior is now used by his brain to torment him.

Depressed folks take everything personally. Your husband is taking your sister’s behavior in a highly personal manner, as though he is indignant or morally outraged. Because he feels personally offended, he also feels he is entitled to have his revenge. As depressed people often don’t care what happens to them, this creates a significant problem for you and maybe your sister as well.

I wouldn’t view this as a broken-heart issue as yet, especially if there’s no history/evidence for that direction. This may have more to do with his on-going depression. Recommend that he speak to his counsellor about the issue. Offer to go to the counseling session with him to explain the situation. Don’t challenge his anger or opinion yet, but rather recommend that he take steps to protect himself such as 1) don’t speak to her, 2) don’t provide her with a loan, etc. It’s safer that he not speak to her at this point. As his depression improves, you can move toward a normal relationship with the sister.