Elderly Mother Talks Constantly

Reader’s Question

I just moved in with my elderly mother to take care of her. She has always been a very, very difficult person to deal with. She got forced into retirement 20 years ago and most people at her job couldn’t stand her. In speaking to them, I was told that she gave them minute, play-by-play instructions on such things as opening a file drawer or how to hang up the telephone.

Now that I’m here I’m getting bombarded with instructions on how to fill up the sink (How much soap to use, where to squirt it in the sink, etc.). What kind of illness is this? How can I get her to stop? I may have to put her in a home if I can’t get her to mellow out.

Oh, she does it with a smile on her face and is completely oblivious to strongly worded requests to stop talking.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your mother is a thought-verbalizer. If she’s always been this way, it may be related to obsessive-compulsive disorder or something in that area. However, being elderly, it’s most likely it’s related to poor neurological functioning, mild dementia, etc.

Most people think to themselves, only verbalizing/talking those thoughts that are important for the situation. Our brain has a lot of control in this normal behavior. We also have times when we talk to ourselves. We talk to ourselves more when upset as when opening a surprise bill and saying aloud “What the heck! I’m not paying for two weeks of television services I didn’t get. I’m gonna…”. Emotional distress decreases our ability to control what we verbalize or talk about — therefore, we talk aloud to ourselves when upset.

In your mother’s neurological deterioration, which probably prompted her forced retirement, the brain has slowly lost its ability to control the verbalization of her thoughts. When that happens, she automatically verbalizes her thoughts. She doesn’t do this to provide instructions, be irritating, or belittle. She just does it! That’s why she has a smile on her face and doesn’t even notice that it’s irritating. When we approach a task, we “think” similar thoughts like “Let’s see, I’ll get the water running, squeeze in some soap, and let the dishes soak first…”. Your mother will just speak them aloud. Neurologists often see this as an early or subtle sign of dementia or Alzheimer’s.

Other than medication sedation, there’s not much you can do. Don’t take it personally. Warn visiting relatives and friends that this is part of her behavior. Develop a deaf ear to the chatter which at times can be non-stop. You may even notice that this behavior increases in the evening (Sundown Syndrome). Importantly, it’s not related to her feelings about you. It’s related to her loss of neurological abilities.