I’m Worried About Being a Loser

Reader’s Question

I was recently reading through Joe Carver’s ‘Are you dating a loser?’ document. I have been in a relationship on and off with a woman for about 1.5 years. We both love each other very much but often have conflicts, some of which are often very toxic. I realize that my history and behavior seem to be the cause of these conflicts, and lead me to be verbally abusive to this woman. I am worried about being the loser.

I was psychologically abused as a child by my mother. I spent many extended overnights in the hospital for correction of a urinary problem as a child. My father left home when I was 7, and I never had a strong relationship with him again. My mother remarried someone who verbally abused her and then later she divorced him too. When I was an adolescent she became an alcoholic and said horrible things to me and did not take care of me. I left home at age 15, and I have managed to survive, go to college, have kids and a former marriage, and do pretty well. But the baggage I carry seems to make me do things like what I listed in the first paragraph.

My girlfriend and I have talked about this. I have explained that there is a very scared and angry child still living in me that comes out at times, and it seems impossible to stop it. I experience terrible anxiety sometimes and when I am in a close relationship, I tend to use the other person as an object for these unresolved issues.

I also have panic attacks and take medication for those and depression. I do not seem to have many close friends nor am I close with my family.

I want to succeed in having a happy life with my girlfriend, but neither one of us can sustain this relationship if I continue to hurt her feelings when I experience this inner child. I often have outrageous thoughts that trouble me and make me angry and fearful. I experience unfounded jealousy, paranoia about her other relations, fear of abandonment, often assume the worst crazy things and project all sorts of accusations that have nothing to do with her. She is a really kind person but at these moments I say she is mean and hurting me. If she does not answer the phone I assume she is avoiding me or is out. I get angry and I decide to hurt her by not answering the phone if she calls and not being available when she next wants to see me. When she is out with friends I imagine her getting pursued by other men and being receptive to their interests to please herself and remind her that I am expendable.

Then I will cycle back to being generous and kind and loving to her and the truly confident adult person that I am will emerge. When things are good we have a great relationship with separate and shared interests, shared philosophies on life, we enjoy conversations and experiences, and a fantastic s*x life. Maybe it will turn out that we are not just right for one another, but I would like to be able to have a normal relationship to truly determine this and experience only affection and anger that are not the results of my childhood.

How do I change? I’ve been in therapy for many years, but how can I change this behavior? Nothing seems to help. I am better than I was 5 years ago, but I am still being so mean to this woman every few weeks that it is driving her away from me and making her miserable. I don’t want to hurt her anymore and I don’t want to be the kind of person who is crazy and mean and overreacts or imagines so many threats that are not real, but I cry in frustration of not being able to change myself.

What is the best course of action for me, for her, and for us? Is it realistic that I can overcome this behavior or is it so rooted in me that I could never be free of it?

Thank you.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

While many people have “baggage” in a relationship, you may be bringing the entire airport! People who have out-of-control early lives (childhood in your case) often try to protect themselves by controlling their current life — and everyone in that life. They have an illusion that controlling people will make them feel safe.

Your outbursts, accusations, and suspicions are actually behaviors designed to control your girlfriend. Your periods of calm and happy occur only when she is under your total control. Very few partners can tolerate that type of control and intimidation and NO partner can be happy in that situation. If this situation is not repaired, you will gradually emotionally burn her out and she will have to detach from you to save herself.

I suspect your therapy/counseling is targeting your depression and panic symptoms rather than your long-standing personality issues. I’d recommend printing the Loser article and taking it to your therapist saying “This is how I behave. Let’s work on this.” Your personality, perhaps developed as a survival strategy when you were younger, is now toxic to your adulthood. In reality, you did survive your childhood and now have an opportunity for a normal, healthy life. Sadly, you are still operating as though everyone around you is like your father or your mother and as you can tell, that will destroy relationships.

You are also having difficulty with Emotional Memory. Your outbursts are not due to the real situation at hand, but rather what you imagine or think about due to past experiences. If we videotaped one of your bad scenes with her, we’d have about 3 minutes of real-issue discussion followed by 45 minutes of emotional archaeology — digging up past wounds, issues, and crap (technical term). There is no defense against emotional archaeology, so the discussion becomes verbal abuse. This would also be a topic of discussion with your therapist.

Time doesn’t heal the wounds of our past — only deliberate efforts to recover heal those wounds. Keep working on them and have your partner give you a time-out signal each time your emotional archaeology surfaces — a reminder that your past has intruded into the conversation.