Insensitive Boyfriend, or Is It Me?

Reader’s Question

I’m a 20 year old psychology major, and it seems I can’t even figure out my own problem. I’ve been overweight all my life, not significantly but a couple extra pounds. I am currently in a long distance relationship in which we only see each other every 3-4 months, but we are faithful to one another. My boyfrend, who is in the military, recently told me it’s becoming unattractive; I didn’t let him realize that it hurt me. I pushed it aside and did not express it to him. I have been making a great effort to start working out and eating right, but rather than supporting me he makes fun of me. I know it’s not to be cruel but because that’s who he is, and he thinks that it’s cute. I have convinced myself I don’t suffer from low self esteem because I do love myself, and I am improving my appearence. I don’t feel bad about myself when he’s not around. But when I do get around him, I’m very self conscious about myself, and after he told me he felt I was getting unattractive, I didn’t even want him to touch me. I expressed recently to him how I felt, and he turned it all into it’s my fault and that I am the one with the problem, not him. All I would like him to do is to express things a little less harshly. But I would like to know is there something wrong with me, as I stated before only when we’re together do I feel the way that I do — as if I have to live up to a certain standard for him. Can you please help me asses the situation?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Your long-distance boyfriend has the problem — not you. His behavior isn’t being cute — it’s being very immature and insensitive. The fact that he becomes defensive and blames you when you mention the issue is not a good sign, suggesting that he doesn’t take your opinions or feelings seriously. His behavior is ruining the relationship and he doesn’t even know it.

I doubt his behavior will change. He may not be mature enough for an adult relationship, especially with a psychology major ; ). I’d make one last attempt to discuss the issue with him. If his response remains the same, I’d consider moving on. Your goal is to meet your expectations — not his. Your time would be better served studying psychology.

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