Husband is Irresponsible

Reader’s Question

Thank you for taking the time to listen… I have been married for almost 7 years to a man whom I feel may have some serious mental disorder, and I don’t know where to turn. It’s hard to know where to start…

Rich’s good qualities are that he is charming, charismatic, very intelligent and family oriented. He says all the right things, is a kind person and we have a very special bond. We seem very compatible in everyday life as far as personality, what we like to do together; we enjoy our dogs, gardening, watching movies, etc. We seldom argue and seem to go about our day to day lives getting along quite well on the surface.

Now for the not so good part. Rich is unable and unwilling to hold down a full time job. He quit work right after he moved in with me and announced he was going to start his own business (without discussing with me). Although he does quality work, there is always a line up of reasons why he can’t bring home any steady income. His last job paid him $6000 in labor and I saw a check for $1200 of which I was given $950 for bills. Over the past 3 years, he averages about $3000 annually in his contribution to the household income.

Without getting into a lot of detail, Rich is a compulsive liar. He lies to me about everything that has to do with responsibilities in life, money, and career. He is $110,000 in arrears in child support. He has no driver’s license. It was suspended in 1994 and he hasn’t taken the time or initiative to get it fixed. He has no car, no income, no relationship to speak of with his 2 natural children. My 2 college aged boys are living with us right now, and Rich spends a great deal of time complaining about every little thing that is out of place and accuses them of “mooching” off us.

When I say that Rich is a compulsive liar, I mean he lies to me daily. He lies about things that he knows I will find out are not true such as stating he took $20 from the ATM when he in fact took $120. Every one of the customers that he has serviced (he does home improvements) for the past 3 years has contacted me with some kind of horror story. He has left jobs unfinished once he’s collected money, returned roofing materials and lumber that a customer has paid for and kept the money — the last one for $850. He will just stop answering their calls and act like nothing is happening. He has even collected money from several customers for jobs that he never started.

It is really difficult to paint an accurate picture over an email, however, I will say that I am realizing that I must move on with my own life. I feel as though I have a heavy iron anchor around my neck where my husband is concerned. Despite our heart-to-heart discussions, he does not change his behaviors. It seems that excuses and lies are all that he needs to get through any situation.

His family and I all feel that he is misfiring in his thinking. We don’t know what to do next.

Can you make any suggestions?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

What you describe in your husband is a personality disorder. Individuals with a personality disorder have an “enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual’s culture”. This pattern is pervasive and inflexible according to the DSM-IV (the book used to diagnosis mental disorders). Sadly, a personality disorder is not a mental disorder in the sense that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Quite to the contrary, he knows exactly what he’s doing — he just doesn’t have the ethics, morals, or standards to behave as a responsible adult. Most likely, he’s a charming Antisocial Personality — someone who has no problem cheating, lying, conning, or manipulating others. His business practices are actually criminal and he has so far managed to con his way out of legal and criminal actions. Highly selfish and self-centered, his lack of support to the family and his other children tell you that he is his major focus.

Individuals with this personality disorder do not respond to treatment, although he’ll quickly volunteer for treatment if you try to leave. Sadly, as you know by now, Antisocial Personalities have no problem financially ruining those around them. They are totally self-justifying in their unethical/immoral behavior and while superficially charming, they have no concern about protecting those around them. Antisocial Personalities feel laws and ethics are for “sheep” and he views himself as a wolf. They feel laws don’t pertain to them and justify doing anything they must do to get what they want.

This personality disorder is nothing you’ve done. It’s also nothing you can fix. You’ll probably need to take steps to protect yourself financially as he’s building a house of cards that may eventually collapse. He will always use his money for his purposes and will only contribute to keep arguments down. He resents your sons as they may be using funds that he wants. I once interviewed a bank robber who was watching a bank he planned to rob. He was very angry at people in the bank who were withdrawing money that day as he felt they were withdrawing his money. Personality disorders do not think like the rest of us and for that reason, we must protect ourselves.

While my opinion may sound harsh, I think you already knew what I was going to say in this situation.