My Friend Won’t Stop Talking

Reader’s Question

I’m worried about two of my friends, I’ll call them M and P. They’re housemates living in a small house with two other people, and are really good friends but for M’s problem… he won’t stop talking. Any conversation with him in it will be dominated by him; it feels like an uphill struggle sometimes just to get a word in, which means a conversation with him can feel physically draining. It’s not because he’s being rude, he doesn’t interrupt or cut people off, he just never seems to run out of things to say, which makes it difficult to ever say anything without interrupting him. Once he chooses a topic, he will just talk continuously, literally for hours.

I’m worried about the effect this is having on P. He used to visit my house quite regularly, and confided in me that it was the only place he felt he could really relax. Every time he goes home he is immediately greeted with a barrage of words which continues until M decides to talk to someone else, and because M and P are good friends, M tends to focus most of his “conversations” towards P. P is a fairly introverted person who values his privacy, but doesn’t feel he can get away from M. Even if P is in his own room M will come in and talk if there is no-one else about. Because of this, I’m noticing that P is becoming increasingly on edge and somewhat mentally unstable. I’m worried that there is going to come a breaking point, at which point I dread to think what will happen.

The brunt of the issue is that M doesn’t seem to understand or recognize that not everyone is interested in what he has to say. If anyone tries to tell him they don’t want to talk for whatever reason, he seems to take it very personally and can get quite angry.

M admits to having a near crippling fear of being alone, which I think may be the cause of his constant talking. If he’s talking to someone, they have to be around to listen. If there’s always someone listening to him, he’ll never be alone. So he keeps talking. The problem is getting him to understand that other people have a right not to have to listen to him if they don’t want to, and that IF they don’t want to, it isn’t a personal attack on him. He just doesn’t seem to comprehend the possibility that someone won’t want to listen to him, and if someone outright tells him they arn’t interested, he will simply become angry, and usually begin ranting about something, totally ignoring the person’s request for privacy. I just don’t know how to get through to him, and am becoming worried about both of them.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

This is probably a case of the desire to be involved in the conversation or be the center of attention is actually creating the opposite reaction. It’s like insulting someone to make them pay attention to you. While extraverted friends can probably be assertive and exert their control in the conversation, introverted friends often feel at the mercy of the flood of conversation.

One approach is to sit with him, calmly if possible, and discuss the situation. It’s often helpful to describe how his behavior is actually pushing friends away rather than gaining friends for him. Stress that it’s just a bad strategy — not that he’s bad. If four people are living in the same location, a house meeting may be in order. You might ask a trusted friend not living in the home to be a facilitator. Keep in mind it will be upsetting to him and you must allow him to be upset, but assure him you are taking this intervention approach because you ARE friends. It’s similar to the commercial — “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk”.

Another approach is to have the most socially-skilled member of the group discuss the problem with him privately. If an understanding is developed, the friends can agree on “cue words” or humorous phrases that would alert M to his motor mouth.

Behaviors like this can quickly lose friendships. If M has emotional/social reasons for his behavior, suggest that he follow-up with counseling.