Chronic Depression and Trauma History

Reader’s Question

When I was 6, I watched my 13 year old sister being raped by my mother’s boyfriend. When we told my mother, she did not believe us and proceeded to whip us and called us liars. My sister was killed years later at the age of 24. My older brother who was very good at basketball and had several scholarship offers, joined the Army and became a drug addict. He is recovering now. My younger brother is obese. I was raped at age 17 and never told anyone until 2 years ago. I am 39. I joined the Army, stayed for 6 years, got out and now work for the government. I have never been happy, never had children, never wanted them. I decided at 7 years old to try to have an addiction but for some reason have never been able to. I always feel alone, trust no one and easily irritate, hate to be asked questions that I deem personal, have relationship issues. I never feel loved even though people seem to love me. Sometimes I feel crazy, always feel scared, always waiting for the other shoe to fall; there is more but I don’t feel like feeling right now. Can’t concentrate, I can’t trust, always feel worthless, men seem to only want me for sex. I enjoy sex during the act, ambivalent afterward. Spend most of my time alone, I feel that some times I sabotage my goals. What is wrong with me? And what can I do? Feeling like giving up…not suicidal, just tired.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

As you describe, your life has been emotionally exhausting. If we look at your question from a symptom standpoint, you are showing signs of a long-standing depression. Chronic depression can become a lifestyle. We accept continual unhappiness as a state of being, find no pleasure/enjoyment in anything, and remain socially withdrawn. You are also showing signs of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) due to your history of personal and witnessed-trauma. PTSD produces the “emotional numbing” you describe — being unable to form loving or close relationships. The “waiting for the next shoe” is an anxiety reference common in PTSD — the sense that something traumatic is likely to happen at any time, being hypervigilant, on guard, and always defensive.

There is treatment for both conditions through your mental health system. I would recommend a combination of psychiatric and psychological/counseling treatment. You are exhibiting the physical manifestations of depression (poor concentration, irritability, etc.) that will respond to antidepressant medication. Using medication alone will not be as helpful as when used in combination with counseling/therapy. You can pull out of this traumatic background. As odd as it may sound, enjoying sexual activity tells us your equipment is still working. It’s your PTSD and depression that diminish the event later. With working equipment, you can change your feelings and thoughts. This is not a hopeless situation by any means.

I’d recommend reading my article on Emotional Memory. It offers information about trauma memories and how to handle them. I’d also research PTSD and depression and make plans for your treatment. Get started. You can’t change where you’ve been, but you can change where you’re going.

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