I’m Afraid to Speak My Mind

Reader’s Question

I have had some e-mail contact with Dr. Carver about the Stockholm Syndrome. I know for sure that I am dealing with that. He pointed out a few articles and I have been reading and working hard on myself to recover. I was in it for 23 years (I am 39 right now).

One thing I am just not getting is the following: These last few months I have worked hard with myself to ‘overcome’ a lot of things within myself. The only subject that I get really despondent of, because it’s so hard for me to over come this; is the following:

By nature I am very spontaneous, by nature a little bit too much (ADHD) but in my 23 years of ‘captivity’ my energy kept me alive, but I didn’t dare to react spontaneously. These days I am finding out that the hardest thing for me to do is to ’speak my mind’.

I am daring to do that more and more in normal situations, but when something painful is bothering me, or something personal or painful considering another person, I really really can’t speak.

I really can’t say to somebody: “I don’t like it when you do this….., or when you do this it hurts me”.

I rather hurt myself then speak out; I try, but I really can’t…..I really don’t want to be of any ‘trouble’ for somebody else.

The hurting myself goes even further in thoughts. I am thinking that it would be better for everybody that I am not here on this earth, etc.

I am getting myself calm with taking a lot of ibuprofen and lay down and wait till the ’storm pass over’, that happens and then I am calm again. But I am not talking, I am just finding a way to live with the pain, just as I was used to do in the life I had with my ex-husband.

I don’t want that anymore, I just want to learn to talk. I find myself so weak that I really can’t speak out. Again, sometimes I try, but I hear myself making everything smaller and picking up another subject during the conversation.

Can you advise me on this? What’s the best thing for me to do to handle this? I really want to learn how to peak out again.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

When you said “I didn’t dare to react spontaneously” — you touched on the problem. Twenty-three years of being intimidated trained you not to speak or offer your opinion. In your Stockholm Syndrome environment, to offer an opinion or speak out might prompt your ex to physically or verbally abuse you. For twenty-three years, to survive, you learned not to speak when you had something to say. You are now trying to learn the opposite — to return to a normal life and speak your mind.

Speaking out also contains a lot of Emotional Memory for you, that’s why you freeze with anticipation and fright when attempting to speak. It’s like the sensation of trying to touch a burner on the stove when you think it might be hot. The anxiety causes your finger to keep pulling back. You can read more about Emotional Memory and recognize how your 23 years with your ex has traumatized you.

Most of all, speaking your mind has levels and you’re focusing on the top level — saying something that might hurt or offend someone. Both your examples were directed at people…I don’t like it when you… Polite personal criticism is a high-level social skill and you need to work on the basics of speaking your mind first. No one takes their first flying lesson in a jumbo jet.

Imagine levels of self-expression and personal comments:

Level I: Nonthreatening Chatter — “Gosh, it’s hot today” (in your opinion) or “This elevator is slow isn’t it?”

Level II: Nonthreatening Personal Opinion — “I saw a good movie over the weekend” — “good” is your opinion.

Level III: Opposite Personal Opinion — “I saw that movie you like, but it wasn’t one of my favorites”.

Level IV: Nonthreatening Strong Opinion — “I’ve always thought people who hurt other people should be put in jail!” Your strong opinion but it’s not directed at anyone. It’s a general comment.

Level V: Challenging Opinions — “I can’t support your opinion on that issue. I think there’s more involved.”

Level VI: Self-Disclosure — (not in public) “Jim, I’ve had abuse in my background so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t make fun of spouse abuse”.

Level VII: Social Confrontation — (in public) “I think that joke is offensive and if you decide to tell jokes like that, make sure I’m not within hearing distance.” People in New York are famous for social confrontation for example…that is…in my opinion.

The key — start at the beginning levels. Practice with friends, co-workers, etc. Offer your personal opinion on everything — just not on what they are doing. With practice, you’ll find yourself speaking out in no time.

By the way, if you’re feeling you shouldn’t be on the earth, that’s a sign of depressive thoughts. Review some information on depression on this website. If depression is also part of the problem, seek mental health consultation.

You are involved in an adventure. You are reprogramming yourself from years of being controlled and intimidated. It takes time.