Friend in an Abusive Relationship

Reader’s Question

My question is about a friend of mine. She is currently in an abusive relationship, and she has been for 5 years. Her boyfriend is 10 years older than her, and has 2 kids with 2 ex wives. For years now she has been saying that she wants out of her relationship, but she is only with him for “financial” reasons. He recently started saying that he wants to marry her and have kids with her, and she has even said that she knows she can’t marry him, and she doesn’t want to have children with him. But it looks like she feeds off of the abuse for some sick reason. She knows by staying with him, she’s just going to get hit again, but yet when he does hit her, she acts surprised; it’s been going on like this for years. The other problem is her and a friend of mine have recently started seeing each other, and it doesn’t take a love doctor to see that they’re in love, but I know my friend is just going to get hurt. I know she wants to be with him, but it’s like she needs the abuse and the control in her life in order to be happy.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

People stay in bad and abusive relationships for a variety of reasons. Some have a form of Stockholm Syndrome in which they are bonded with their abuser as a survival strategy. I’ve written an article on this topic that’s available on this website entitled Love and Stockholm Syndrome.

Others remain in bad and abusive situations due to “the deal”. They may stay for financial, social, or other reasons. They may stay until something better comes along, feeling they are unable to live independently. They feel the need to transition from one dependent relationship to another.

Some folks stay but are in the process of leaving — they just haven’t told anyone yet. Many develop an exit plan or strategy that often involves many months.

In dealing with this situation, your best bet is to focus on the behavior you see, not what is being told to you. After five years, she is clearly involved in the relationship and while she may complain, she may be taking few steps to leave or correct the situation. Your other friend is clearly getting involved in a high-risk, drama-filled romance. It’s possible that her new romance with him is a form of retaliation against her five-year partner that may quickly place everyone in danger. I would agree that your friend will be hurt as this continues so I would urge him to be very cautious.