I Select Needy Partners…Is That Bad?

Reader’s Question

I’m a 52 yr old white male. It was recently pointed out to me that I was always getting involved with women that were needy. After helping them become more independent I either left them or they left me. My question is, am I wrong looking for a life mate with this approach? I was married for 14 yrs which ended in divorce, and I lived with a woman for 9 yrs and my life has been in turmoil since.

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Many folks have difficulty because they choose partners based on factors that will eventually destroy the relationship. If you select people who are needy, it creates an uneven relationship in terms of authority, control, etc. That new partner may also be selecting you based on their neediness — not love, attraction, or interest. If the new partner becomes more independent, their “need” for you disappears. At the same time, the relationship from your side changes as you have now lost the advantage and power in the situation.

Any relationship in which the power, need, control, etc. is uneven will have difficulties. Some couples are able to work out the situation by using love and mutual respect and responsibility to even their positions. In your situation, looking for needy partners will only find needy partners — not life partners. A restaurant that advertises pizza won’t be serving people looking for seafood. If you look for an uneven relationship, you’ll lose that relationship when it begins to change. When our tastes change to seafood over time, we find another restaurant.

Examine your selection criteria. Are you selecting needy people because you feel you can’t compete when the relationship is even? Do you select needy folks because you need an advantage over them? Explore these issues, perhaps with a counselor/therapist. A healthy relationship is one that meets the needs of both partners, not just one.

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