Verbal Abuse and Asperger’s

Reader’s Question

I went through a break up with an abusive man. I feel a little lost due to my self esteem being battered by emotional abuse. My question is that he often referred to having Asperger’s Syndrome. Is there a common connection between abusers and this disorder? He goes nuts sometime with anger. He also came from an dysfunctional family where his Dad controlled everything… He doesn’t admit to there being a control issue, but when I don’t do exactly what he thinks I should he explodes. Even before he explodes he is constantly telling me what is wrong with me. He usually explodes when I spend time with friends.

I read a bit about emotional abuse and BP Disorder and it seemed to be an exact description… I am just wondering if these disorders have anything to do with it? What is the difference between the disorders? I don’t know if I worded this clearly but I don’t understand what I was dealing with. Can it just be that he is just abusive, period…?

–Recovering Girl

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

What you describe is a personality disorder — not Bipolar Disorder or Asperger’s. I think you’ll find his other behaviors and attitudes in my Identifying Losers article available on this website. Abusive, personality-disorder individuals never accept responsibility for their behavior and blame their abuse, temper tantrums, infidelity, and verbal outbursts on a variety of things. If he’s using “Asperger’s” as his excuse for abusing and controlling you, then he’s pretty sophisticated — but still abusive and controlling.

Asperger’s Disorder is a high-level form of autism. Individuals with this disorder are not socially skilled and have a variety of symptoms that would quickly identify them when dating. One of those symptoms is not abuse however. Bipolar Disorder is a mood disorder with extreme mood swings. As I will discuss, his outbursts are not related to mood but rather to times when you disobey him.

You are describing an abusive and controlling personality — not a person who goes through abusive periods. The “abusive periods” you notice are those times when you do not do exactly what he demands. His abuse is linked to situations — not abusive periods. If you met with your friends every evening — you would be verbally abused every evening. If you behaved exactly as he demanded each evening, your verbal abuse would decrease.

I’d recommend that you not try to figure it out — just keep recovering. Individuals like this can be very destructive to your self-confidence and self-esteem. You may want to read the discussion threads on Losers, also on this website. You are not alone in your situation as over 270 entries will describe. Good luck and keep moving away and recovering.