My Boyfriend Won’t Work or Support His Kids

Reader’s Question

Currently my boyfriend and I are still together, I have tried to leave several times, it always gets very emotional, he starts out angry, then becomes upset and cries and tells me everything will be better. (But it never gets better.) I feel manipulated and lied to. He is very jealous and controlling. He does not want me to see any of my friends and gets upset when I go to see my family.

He will not work, or provide for his 2 children, which are not mine. He is 26 years old, and right now we are living with his parents. He has never made an attempt to move out or try things on his own with me. It is very hard living there with his mother. I am in a position that I no longer want to be in, and have not wanted to be in since we started dating, 2 years ago. How do I get away, without causing a giant emotional wrecking ball? How do I make him see what he is doing to me? or what kind of example he’s setting for his kids?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

There’s an old saying, “What you see is what you get!” You are being lied to and manipulated. Your boyfriend is totally self-centered and has no intention of work, supporting his children, or changing in any manner. If you think about it, he’s not upset about his current lifestyle. He only becomes upset when you want something different — like a normal life.

You must rescue yourself in this situation. I recommend developing an exit plan. Arrange for a place to stay/go, money, etc. You can expect an emotional blow-up — that’s what he uses when anyone asks him to be a responsible adult. After a few of his childish temper tantrums, people (like his mom and ex-partner have discovered) stop asking him to do anything. They don’t want to put up with it. I’ve listed other recommendations for detachment in my Identifying a Loser article available on this website.

You must also forget the idea of making him understand what he is doing to you or the model he creates for his children. As the last two years tell you, he doesn’t care about you or his two children. It doesn’t bother him that you’re miserable. It only bothers him when you bring it up or try to change it. He is living off his mother, is controlling you, and has no responsibility — just the way he likes it.

People manipulate others with intimidation and guilt. Actually, guilt is used more often than intimidation as there are laws against too much intimidation. There is no law about using too much guilt. When you leave, you’ll be showered with guilt, promises, threats (often to hurt himself), phone calls, and even pleas from his mother (she wants you to take him). You must leave and don’t turn back. Don’t try to solve or understand anything about the relationship except rescuing yourself and getting free. What you see is what you get. If you stay, it will be more of the same for many years to come.