Is Her Drinking a Problem?

Reader’s Question

Hello I have been dating a Finnish woman for a year and a half. She is completing her divorce. She spent 8 days at my home visiting to see if she would like to visit for 2-3 weeks with her daughter. She is moving into a government welfare flat (tiny) and my home is small but on the ocean and great for her daughter who I fell deeply in love with. When Ruzana was here she drank a bottle of wine at least every day. The last time (my 20th anniversary of sobriety), she found a fifth of whiskey in my freezer a house guest had left a year ago. She drank the entire bottle. When I asked her to please slow down I got a “it is average in Finland, no problem”. Well 20+ drinks is a lot in any book. I went online to the madison alcohol test and filled it in according to her habits. Of course it came back,’you have a serious problem’. She was very angry. I asked why was she so angry if it were average…no answer. Her mother died of wood alcohol poisoning the day her daughter was born and her brother has large problems with drink. She had huge problems with intimacy unless drunk. During dinner with 6 friends she refused to discuss any topics or be polite. I also noticed 7 long scars on her arm…a long ago tragedy, most likely mother dying…

When I asked her to moderate her intake in front of me she hung up she was so angry. I did not ask her to stop. but later she contacted me and asked why I left her… I never did, I asked for a dialogue and closer ties…her mood swings are pretty hard. She can go for a full day and stare blankly…

When she is not drinking we have a strong loving relationship and I adore her daughter. Any ideas? She is actually Russian, no Finnish friends, and her Russian friends say she should break with me because the drinking will get in the way. Not a word of moderation… Their idea of fun is to drive 4 hours to St. Petersburg and fill the car with cheap vodka.

Thank you,
Robert

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

Robert, you know she has a problem with drinking. She also has a drinking history and a drinking lifestyle. She doesn’t have friends…she has drinking friends. Having “friends” doesn’t mean they’re emotionally or socially healthy friends. I suspect she also has other issues that will make a normal relationship difficult.

This is a high-risk relationship. As you can tell by her approach, her drinking is more important to her than the relationship. The wide mood swings, problems with intimacy, blank stares, etc. tell us that you’re seeing only the tip of the iceberg here.

When dating, we sometimes get the impression that we would be good for someone — be able to help them, be supportive, be a solid foundation, etc. For the relationship to be successful and healthy — that partner must also be good for you. Rather than good for you, she will threaten your sobriety and social stability. She is already drinking without regard for the role model she presents for her daughter. She will have even less concern for how her behavior creates problems for you. You need to think about his a lot.