Don’t Know Who I Am…

Reader’s Question

I’m a 47 year old woman, and yet, I feel like I don’t know who I am. My question is this: Where does one begin when they have no clue as to what they want or where they belong?

Our Consulting Clinical Psychologist’s Reply

All of us have identifiers — age, marital status, employment, nationality, etc. We also define who we are in other terms related to religion, culture, interests, etc. From the content of your brief question, I would guess that you’ve lost your personal and psychological foundation.

We all live with a variety of assumptions about our life course, our families, our history, and our future. There are times when those assumptions are shaken or even destroyed. During these difficult times, an individual loses their identity and their assumptions about their life course. The most common way this happens is during a depressive disorder.

A depressive disorder after 45 years of age often produces a philosophical crisis. Depression causes us to play the video of our lives, reviewing the decisions we’ve made, directions we’ve taken, and our mistakes. During this life review, recognizing that our current course has brought us to the misery of depression, we become preoccupied with “the road not taken”. We begin to fantasize about “what if’s” of our history. We question everything about our current status — should I have had children, did I make the right partner choices, am I in the right career, etc. For many folks, this creates the “midlife crisis” — a loss of our psychological foundation that often prompts behavior that is out of character. During this time we lose our way in life. These depressive and midlife episodes are often prompted by a high level of stress and responsibility. As a reaction, folks often leave their families, quit jobs/careers, change their lifestyles, or begin some type of soul-searching journey. These reactions to the midlife depression can be very damaging to our life.

I’d first take an inventory — what is your current foundation and identifiers? Determine your level of stress and responsibility. Check your physical symptoms for evidence of depression or anxiety disorder such as sleep/appetite/energy/concentration disturbances. While mentally exploring your life situation, resist making significant decisions until you find your foundation. If necessary, seek mental health assistance in sorting out your feelings and concerns.

When lost in the forest, folks often backtrack out, going back the way they came in. Your foundation may have been shaken, but it’s still there. You’re more than just a “47 year old woman”. Remember who you are, then seek ways to improve your situation and reorganize your psychological foundation. You won’t find your foundation by getting a new tattoo, buying a motorcycle, or leaving your current lifestyle to study fish in the Amazon River. If we’re psychologically lost, we’re lost no matter where we are. Help is available.